ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
