There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
