I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
