Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My ass is underappreciated
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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