my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize