You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
