an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
