you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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