I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Fuck appropriateness.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
