im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
