If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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