P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
