You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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