Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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