update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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