You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
