My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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