gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
