I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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