we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
