we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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