somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
