dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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