Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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