i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
