can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
