cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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