Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
