You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
