Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
