I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
