yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
