I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
