halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
