how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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