True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
only you would photoshop your dick
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
