It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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