from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
