Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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