yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
