Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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