I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
