You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sorry my hands just texted you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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