Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
