Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
