I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize