i think my tv is drunk
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
