That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
