she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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