your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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