Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
