Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Houston, we have a blender
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
