I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
