I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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