I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
