So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
