Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize