he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
