remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
